Help! I married my opposite.

At one point, I was very interested in personality traits and tendencies.  I read up on different personality assessments and took a number of assessment quizzes.  The results of one particular Myers-Briggs assessment included pairing of your personality type with others, so that you would know what type of person would be your “best friend”, “marriage material”, or “likely competition”.  Curious, I convinced my wife to take the test.

Three of her four traits were opposite mine…and I couldn’t find our pairing in any of their categories.  Not friend, not foe, not hiking buddy, not marriage partner, not even preferred acquaintance.  Finally, after bouncing around multiple pages on their website, I found their one-word description of a relationship between my set of four traits and her set of four traits: novelty.

According to the personality typing, she thinks I’m oddly intriguing.  I see her the same way.  “Opposites attract” – it’s a culturally accepted norm that all of us have plenty of experience with.  We certainly came from different families, and we’ve had our share of differences to work through over the years.  When you boil it all down…she’s an artist and I’m a nerd…and a prime example of our differences is in how we express and receive love. 

If you’re familiar with the Five Love Languages (Gift Giving, Acts of Service, Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, and Physical Touch), you’ll probably empathize with what I’m about to say.  My love language is not the same as my wife’s love language…in fact, hers is probably my lowest ranking choice and mine is probably her lowest ranking choice.

I think I’m quite simple to love…after all, as an Acts of Service lover, just do something for me and I feel loved by you.  A clean home, laundry done, and dinner on the table makes me the happiest person on the planet.  Whereas my wife desires Physical Touch – hand held lovingly, hugs, cuddles, closeness.  Problem is…I’m not a touchy-feely person.  If you initiate a hug, I’ll reciprocate, but don’t expect me to go seeking one out.  On the flip-side, my wife’s clue that dishes are today’s priority is when we’ve run out of cups or skillets.

So we run into the constant problem: if I’m not reaching for her hand, giving hugs, etc. then she’s even less inclined to do something for me.  And if she’s not helping me out, I’m even less inclined to initiate loving contact with her.  It’s a vicious cycle, really.  It doesn’t start spiraling down out of spite or meanness…just the normal everyday busyness pulls us away from actively thinking about how the other person receives love.  When we’re distracted, we default to acting out in the way we want love to look like…I keep busy doing things around the house “for her” and she reaches for my hand “for him”…and those actions are easily misinterpreted. 

So, the question is…Who gives in first?  Who makes the first “loving move”?

When writing to the church in Ephesus, Paul spent the first two-thirds of the letter describing the relationship between Jesus and the church.  This relationship was previously a mystery (Ephesians 3:3-4), there is unity (4:4-6), there is diversity of gifts (4:11-13), and it results in a new way of living (4:17-5:21).  Paul wraps up his main discussion by giving the highest earthly example of the relationship between Jesus and the church – marriage. 

Ephesians 5:21-22, 25
Submitting to one another in the fear of Christ.  Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord…Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her

To answer our question, it would be easy to quote the above verses and say “See!  We both should swallow our pride and selfishness.  We need to think of the other person first.”  And I understand that sentiment.  I see the verses above.  Who should make the first move?  Whichever of us is more mature and humble in the moment.

However…I can’t help but notice two things.

1.       When I read the entire marriage section in Paul’s letter (5:22-33), he talks a lot more about how us men need to love our wives than he does about wives loving their husbands.  Paul places the burden on us to love our wife just as much as we love and care for ourselves.

2.       If I look at the timeline of when the church loved Jesus vs when Jesus loved the church – I find that Jesus loved first.  And if I’m to love my wife just as Christ loved the church…again, Paul is placing the first-step responsibility on me.

Then, I am reminded of other verses like these:

1 John 4:19
We love because He first loved us.

Romans 5:8
But God proves His own love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

Jesus loved us before we could do anything to deserve it.  He loved us when we thought ourselves unlovable.  He continues to love us, even when we are unlovely. 

So, fellas…I have to break it to you: we are the ones who should move first and show our wife the love she needs in the way she needs it.  Even if you don’t understand why she likes the kind of love communication that she does.  Get her a little gift, run the vacuum, block out your schedule to do something with her, compliment her, or – as I need to do – take her hand and give her a hug without being asked to.

It’s not wrong if she beats you to the punch and speaks your love language first – just speak hers back.  Opposites do attract, but they stay together only when we’re intentional with how we show our love.

Keep Pressing,
Ken

Your story, as told by others

There is an old riddle that asks the question:

What belongs to you, but everyone else uses more than you do?

The answer is – your name.

All kidding aside, there is a fair bit of truth to that.  However, others rarely use just our names.  Attached to the use of our names is that person’s opinion of us…our reputation. 

Reputations can be broad and widely held, but they can also be held by individuals.  A “good” reputation can take a long time to build, and only a momentary lapse in judgment or selfishness can completely destroy one.  And to top it all off, there’s only so much we can do about them, since we’re not around when our reputation (for better or worse) is communicated to a new someone.

Therefore, our reputations will go ahead of us into places that we’ve never been to.  It may feel strange to think but people miles away from us, whom we’ve never met, could actually have an opinion about who we are.

When Paul wrote his letter to the Philemon, he was in prison, and most scholars believe he was being held in Rome.  As the crow flies, Rome is over 900 miles from Colossae.  If you were to drive a car from Rome to Colossae on today’s highways, it would take you nearly 30 hours to get there.  Now let your mind move back to ancient Bible times….no cars, no social media.  A person’s reputation could really only travel by word of mouth.

And yet, from that far away, Paul hears of Philemon’s reputation:

Philemon 4-5
I always thank my God when I mention you in my prayers, because I hear of your love and faith toward the Lord Jesus and for all the saints.

Whenever Philemon’s name comes up in conversation, what Paul also hears about is all the ways that Philemon demonstrates his love and faith.  By his actions and words, people can recognize his priorities.  They can also see which relationships in his life that Philemon considers the most important.  And his reputation of love and faith toward the Lord Jesus and for all the saints went out for at least 900 miles!

I suppose, however, we shouldn’t be all that surprised at this, since Jesus told His disciples at the Last Supper:

John 13:34-35
I give you a new commandment: love one another.  Just as I have loved you, you must also love one another.  By this all people will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another.

Jesus said all people.  When our love for one another is recognizable to others, it will also become our reputation.  And a reputation like Philemon’s will point others toward Jesus…even if we’re not physically there to share the gospel.

Keep Pressing,
Ken

Time to get personal

Although Paul wasn’t directly involved with Colossian church, several people he knew and cared about were.  Epaphrus, Archippus, Nympha, and Philemon all played various roles and had specific ministries to the believers in Colossae.  The rest of the congregation hadn’t met Paul.  So when he sent Tychicus with the letter to the Colossian church, Paul wrote from a position of a guest preacher who would teach them important truths and show them practical ways to live out their new life in Christ.

Notice how Paul identifies himself at the beginning of the letter:

Colossians 1:1-2
Paul, an apostle of Christ Jesus by God’s will, and Timothy our brother. 
To the saints and faithful brothers in Christ in Colossae. 
Grace and peace from God our Father.

From the get-go, Paul identifies himself as an apostle of Christ Jesus, which also provides the credibility for the things he wrote to them.  However, along with this letter, Paul had Tychicus deliver a second, more personal note.  The subject of this second letter was Tychicus’ traveling partner, Onesimus.  We were briefly introduced to him at the end of Colossians:

Colossians 4:7-9
Tychicus, a loved brother, a faithful servant, and a fellow slave in the Lord, will tell you all the news about me.  I have sent him to you for this very purpose, so that you may know how we are, and so that he may encourage your hearts.  He is with Onesimus, a faithful and loved brother, who is one of you.  They will tell you about everything here.

Onesimus needed to be reconciled with Philemon.  We’ll get into the details of what was broken in their relationship later, but it was serious enough that Paul chose to step into the fray with these two people he dearly loved.  For now, notice how Paul identifies himself at the beginning of his letter to Philemon:

Philemon 1-3
Paul, a prison of Christ Jesus, and Timothy, our brother:
To Philemon, our dear friend and co-worker, to Apphia our sister, to Archippus our fellow soldier, and to the church that meets in your house.
Grace to you and peace from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ.

A little later, Paul says

Philemon 8-9
For this reason, although I have great boldness in Christ to command you to do what is right, I appeal, instead, on the basis of love.

There is no appeal to his apostleship.  Paul doesn’t take a stance or tell Philemon what to do based upon his authority in the family of believers.  Instead, Paul appeals to his friend out of love.  This is where the rubber meets the road – where teaching meets real life.  Paul taught the Colossians about the importance of having Jesus as the focus of our lives and the difference made because of it…but Paul himself must also live it out. 

There are many relationship lessons we can glean from reading Paul’s personal letter to Philemon, but it will be of greater importance for us to take those observations and apply them to those around us.  After all, a Christ-focused life is not found in the teaching of the theoretical, but in the personal living of the practical.

Keep Pressing,
Ken

In the heat of the moment

Living with family is hard.  We have different likes, preferences, reactions, attitudes, and opinions.  With all of these differences, conflict becomes a “when” not an “if”.  When we get into the heat of conflict, it is pretty difficult to remember in that moment all of the ways we should be acting toward the other person.  Trying to guard our tone, volume, our word choice, and to listen before speaking are all very difficult to remember when we’re in the middle of defending our position.

A list of conflict resolution skills to practice is helpful…but only before the moment arrives.  When conflict hits, we’ll remember one or two of them, at best.  Since the way disagreements are handled can make or break relationships, it’s important to ask,

“Which skill or attitude is the most important?  What is the one thing to remember when conflict comes?”

In his letter, Paul coached the Colossian believers on how to prepare themselves to handle conflict within God’s family.  Earlier, he listed five character traits that they were to practice putting on, just like they would put on their clothes.  As they practiced the traits of heartfelt compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience, they would be able to accept and forgive each other when issues arose. 

However, the heat of the moment is a difficult time for those involved.  That’s why I think Paul continued with this piece of guidance:

Colossians 3:14-15
Above all, put on love – the perfect bond of unity.  And let the peace of the Messiah, to which you were also called in one body, control your hearts.

This is the “if you forget everything else, remember what I’m about to tell you” moment in Paul’s letter.  Paul flags this most important direction with the key phrase above all.  So above all the Colossians are to remember to put on love.  They are to get dressed in the same kind of love that God has extended to us in Christ Jesus. 

Jesus himself gave the same answer when He was asked which section of the Jewish law was most important.  The person asking wanted to know what part of Moses’ law would be a guiding principle above all the other laws:

Matthew 22:37-40
He said to him, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.  This is the greatest and most important commandment.  The second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself.  All the Law and the Prophets depend on these two commandments.”

Jesus said that for us to love is our highest aim…but also notice that everything else flows out of that love.  Paul is telling the Colossians the same thing – Above all, put on love.  The other characteristics would flow out of how well we love, especially in the midst of conflict.

But how do we know what is the best way to show love?  How will we know what is best for the other person when we’re in the middle of a fight?

To that, Paul throws in an “and”.  The Colossians were to let the peace of the Messiah control their hearts.  The peace of the Messiah was what Jesus brought to the sin-caused conflict between the human race and God.  Jesus was willing to give Himself up to address the problem head-on, so that our relationship with God the Father could be restored.

Paul uses an interesting word for what this kind of peace is supposed to do to us.  The Greek word for control comes from a context of athletic games, where an official would serve as an umpire in the match.  Paul wants the peace of the Messiah then to guide, direct, and umpire our love for the family member we’re clashing with.  So when family conflict comes, and it will, this all we need to remember:

Above everything else, let’s aim for peace because we love them. 

Keep Pressing,
Ken