Help! I married my opposite.

At one point, I was very interested in personality traits and tendencies.  I read up on different personality assessments and took a number of assessment quizzes.  The results of one particular Myers-Briggs assessment included pairing of your personality type with others, so that you would know what type of person would be your “best friend”, “marriage material”, or “likely competition”.  Curious, I convinced my wife to take the test.

Three of her four traits were opposite mine…and I couldn’t find our pairing in any of their categories.  Not friend, not foe, not hiking buddy, not marriage partner, not even preferred acquaintance.  Finally, after bouncing around multiple pages on their website, I found their one-word description of a relationship between my set of four traits and her set of four traits: novelty.

According to the personality typing, she thinks I’m oddly intriguing.  I see her the same way.  “Opposites attract” – it’s a culturally accepted norm that all of us have plenty of experience with.  We certainly came from different families, and we’ve had our share of differences to work through over the years.  When you boil it all down…she’s an artist and I’m a nerd…and a prime example of our differences is in how we express and receive love. 

If you’re familiar with the Five Love Languages (Gift Giving, Acts of Service, Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, and Physical Touch), you’ll probably empathize with what I’m about to say.  My love language is not the same as my wife’s love language…in fact, hers is probably my lowest ranking choice and mine is probably her lowest ranking choice.

I think I’m quite simple to love…after all, as an Acts of Service lover, just do something for me and I feel loved by you.  A clean home, laundry done, and dinner on the table makes me the happiest person on the planet.  Whereas my wife desires Physical Touch – hand held lovingly, hugs, cuddles, closeness.  Problem is…I’m not a touchy-feely person.  If you initiate a hug, I’ll reciprocate, but don’t expect me to go seeking one out.  On the flip-side, my wife’s clue that dishes are today’s priority is when we’ve run out of cups or skillets.

So we run into the constant problem: if I’m not reaching for her hand, giving hugs, etc. then she’s even less inclined to do something for me.  And if she’s not helping me out, I’m even less inclined to initiate loving contact with her.  It’s a vicious cycle, really.  It doesn’t start spiraling down out of spite or meanness…just the normal everyday busyness pulls us away from actively thinking about how the other person receives love.  When we’re distracted, we default to acting out in the way we want love to look like…I keep busy doing things around the house “for her” and she reaches for my hand “for him”…and those actions are easily misinterpreted. 

So, the question is…Who gives in first?  Who makes the first “loving move”?

When writing to the church in Ephesus, Paul spent the first two-thirds of the letter describing the relationship between Jesus and the church.  This relationship was previously a mystery (Ephesians 3:3-4), there is unity (4:4-6), there is diversity of gifts (4:11-13), and it results in a new way of living (4:17-5:21).  Paul wraps up his main discussion by giving the highest earthly example of the relationship between Jesus and the church – marriage. 

Ephesians 5:21-22, 25
Submitting to one another in the fear of Christ.  Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord…Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her

To answer our question, it would be easy to quote the above verses and say “See!  We both should swallow our pride and selfishness.  We need to think of the other person first.”  And I understand that sentiment.  I see the verses above.  Who should make the first move?  Whichever of us is more mature and humble in the moment.

However…I can’t help but notice two things.

1.       When I read the entire marriage section in Paul’s letter (5:22-33), he talks a lot more about how us men need to love our wives than he does about wives loving their husbands.  Paul places the burden on us to love our wife just as much as we love and care for ourselves.

2.       If I look at the timeline of when the church loved Jesus vs when Jesus loved the church – I find that Jesus loved first.  And if I’m to love my wife just as Christ loved the church…again, Paul is placing the first-step responsibility on me.

Then, I am reminded of other verses like these:

1 John 4:19
We love because He first loved us.

Romans 5:8
But God proves His own love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

Jesus loved us before we could do anything to deserve it.  He loved us when we thought ourselves unlovable.  He continues to love us, even when we are unlovely. 

So, fellas…I have to break it to you: we are the ones who should move first and show our wife the love she needs in the way she needs it.  Even if you don’t understand why she likes the kind of love communication that she does.  Get her a little gift, run the vacuum, block out your schedule to do something with her, compliment her, or – as I need to do – take her hand and give her a hug without being asked to.

It’s not wrong if she beats you to the punch and speaks your love language first – just speak hers back.  Opposites do attract, but they stay together only when we’re intentional with how we show our love.

Keep Pressing,
Ken

Paper towels and mixed messages

There’s plenty of guilt to go around these days, even when it comes to what I should be using to wipe off my kitchen counters.  Within the last week, I’ve watched a TV advertisement that claimed in order to protect my family from germs, viruses, and food-born illnesses, I need to buy their paper towels.  The convenient single-use paper towel, they claimed, was superior to cleaning with a dishrag that was previously used and now sitting in my sink.  The commercial went on to warn me how a multi-use dishrag was a festering breeding ground for all sorts of nasty bugs, and it also contained bits of food and grease from whatever it was I cleaned up last time I wiped down the counters.  You wouldn’t wipe off the door of your microwave with a slice of pizza would you?  Then, obviously, any responsible adult who desires to protect their family would buy these paper towels.

And then today, when I was flipping through an online list of “Top money wasting purchases when cleaning your home”, what did I come across?  But, of course: paper towels.  This story said a roll of paper towels was too easy for a family to use up quickly and inefficiently.  They did the math, and if you used 2 rolls a week at $1/roll, then that’s over $100 for the year!  And, of course, you should feel guilty for the strain you’re putting on the environment.  Paper towels are tough to recycle, so you’re just filling up your community’s landfill by using them.  Instead, they suggested, I should buy some cheap, reusable microfiber towels.

So, no matter my choice, I am either a poor excuse for a family man or someone who hates the environment.  Talk about getting mixed messages!  You could tie yourself up in knots trying to figure out what is “the best” way to wipe down your kitchen.

We’ve been looking for a new church home, and we recently attended a church on a friend’s recommendation.  To be honest, after over a year of online services from various churches, it was refreshing to be a part of a group worshipping God.  The pastor was an engaging speaker who quoted a lot of Scripture.  His current series centered around the fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 4:22-23).  He was spending one week discussing each fruit listed by Paul.  The week we attended, the topic was faithfulness.

While most of his talk was spot-on, there was one part when my ears perked up.  He made a statement to the effect that “We Christians have erroneously combined the ideas of faith and belief.  When in fact, they are two different things.”  And I thought, “Right on. They are different. I’m interested in what he has to say next.”  He then continued to say that believing something isn’t enough, that God expects us to put action to our beliefs and that’s called faith, and that’s what a Christian does.  After repeating a few more times that believing wasn’t enough, he cited a commonly misquoted passage:

James 2:17-19
In the same way faith, if it doesn’t have works, is dead by itself.

But someone will say, “You have faith, and I have works.  Show me your faith without works, and I will show you faith by my works.  You believe that God is one.  Good!  Even the demons believe – and they shudder.”

“See?” the pastor said, “The demons believe and that’s not enough.  We have to have faithfulness and put action to our faith.”

I winced.  It’s a common misquote, but it’s still a misquote.  To find out what James meant by faith without works is dead, click here to read last week’s post.  The pastor finished his preaching and then another lady came on stage to wrap up and dismiss everyone.  What really worried me was something she said next.  She invited anyone who wasn’t a Christian to join God’s family, and all you had to do was “believe and follow Jesus”. 

If I was a non-Christian or someone who was not used to church-lingo, I would have been very confused.  The pastor just said multiple times that “belief” wasn’t enough, that I also needed some kind of actionable faith.  But then she said all I had to do was “believe and follow”, without giving any explanation as to what that meant, especially in relation to what the pastor said.  Talk about mixed messages!

Our word choices matter, and we have to take into consideration the audience we are speaking to.  I spoke with the lady afterwards and although I knew what they were trying to say, I warned her that between the two of them, there was the potential for a lot of confusion.  We talked through everything and came to a basic understanding.  There would have been a lot less confusion if either of them had clearly stated that the preacher’s message was directed towards those who already believed in Jesus for eternal life, and her invitation was for those who have not yet been convinced of Jesus’ offer.  Here’s a rundown of what else we discussed:

·       What the demons “believe” in James 2 isn’t belief in Jesus for eternal life.  Eternal life isn’t offered to fallen angels, so in context, what the demon “believes” is that there is only one God.
·       Believing in Jesus for eternal life is how a person is “saved” and joins God’s family.  There are no other conditions.  (John 11:25-27; Acts 16:31; Eph 2:8-9; 1 Tim 1:16)
·       All believers are called by God to act out our faith. See the James 2 passage the preacher quoted.
·       Choosing to “follow Jesus” is often our first action based on our new faith in Jesus, but it is not a requirement for salvation.

One last thing to note – a clarification, if you will.  In preparing for this post, I have changed my mind on the idea that belief and faith are two different things.  In Greek, they are different versions of the same word, with the only difference between them is that belief is a verb (pisteuo) and faith is a noun (pistis).  As such, if you say that either you believe in Jesus for eternal life or you have faith in Jesus for eternal life, you are saying the same thing.

I hope that clears things up.  I wouldn’t want to give you any mixed messages.

Keep Pressing,
Ken

You are my proof

I heard the statement recently “The only thing God is building right now on this earth is His church.”  After pondering over this idea for a while, I believe the person saying it was right.  The speaker was driving home an important point: the only things continuing on from this life to the next will be the people who have believed in Jesus for eternal life.  Everything else will be made new (Revelation 21:5).  This doesn’t mean that everything else – careers, homes, sports, buildings, hobbies, etc. – are considered “evil” or “worthless”, because these events are what God uses to develop and grow us.

So this means that the only eternally lasting work we can do is to build up Jesus’ church.  We can accomplish this work through one of two ways: 1) helping unbelievers understand and accept Jesus’ free offer of eternal life, or 2) encourage and develop those who already believe.

There are many ways to accomplish either of those pursuits; however, we also have to recognize that our time on earth is limited…which means we want to make the most of our time, especially when it comes to investing in other believers. 

At times in his letters, Paul expressed concern that he had not invested properly, that those he had shared both the gospel and his life with were not good “proofs” that his time was well spent.  Other times he commended his former pupils on their development after he had invested in them.  Here are just a few examples:

To the believers in Philippi, Paul wrote to encourage their progress in their relationship with God and how well they imitated Jesus to those around them.  He described how their growth was a benefit to them individually and to the further spreading of the gospel…but also to Paul, himself:

Philippians 2:14-16
Do everything without grumbling and arguing, so that you may be blameless and pure, children of God who are faultless in a crooked and perverted generation, among whom you shine like stars in the world, by holding firm to the word of life.  Then I can boast in the day of Christ that I didn’t run or labor for nothing.

When Paul was correcting the believers in the region of Galatia for becoming confused by false teachers, he didn’t question their salvation, but he was concerned about their fruitfulness:

Galatians 4:11, 5:7
I am fearful for you, that perhaps my labor for you has been wasted…You were running well.  Who prevented you from being persuaded regarding the truth?

When checking up on the believers in Thessalonica, Paul spoke proudly of their progress in faith and love.  He joyfully told them:

1 Thessalonians 2:19-20
For who is our hope or joy or crown of boasting in the presence of our Lord Jesus at His coming?  Is it not you?  Indeed you are our glory and joy!

When I look at two of Jesus’ most famous parables, The parable of the talents (Matthew 25:14-30) and The parable of the minas (Luke 19:11-27), I find that Jesus is looking for a good return on His investment of gifts and abilities in each of us.  When we Christians do give an account to Jesus, what else can we give as evidence other than the lives we have ministered to, invested in, and enriched?  After all, Paul was writing to Christians when he said:

2 Corinthians 5:10
For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, so that each may be repaid for what he has done in the body, whether good or bad.

Just like in The parable of the talents and The parable of the minas, the master will return and He will evaluate what we have done in His absence.  The judgment seat of Christ is only for believers; unbelievers will be judged at a different time.  As such, the judgement seat of Christ is not a place to determine our eternal destiny, instead it will be the time when Jesus determines our eternal rewards and opportunities to serve in His kingdom in the life to come.

I am proof that Joe Rheney did not run in vain.  I am not the only proof of his efforts, but I will be evidence – and I want to be good proof for a man who loved and invested so much in me.  I will also be proof for any Godly investment made by others at various times in my life – my parents, grandparents, teachers, friends.  Similarly, you are my proof that I did not waste my time blogging my Bible study.  It is my hope and prayer that you find good encouragement, a clear explanation of Scripture, and Godly challenges here.  What return on investment (ROI) is there for God if all I have learned and experienced with Him is kept solely for me?  Put simply: If I am not sharing who God has made me into and what God has taught me, then I am not fulfilling Jesus’ Great Commission. 

I know, this is a lot to take in all at once.  And not many churches emphasize this topic.  If this is new to you, or if you are suddenly feeling overwhelmed, here are a few application points to consider:

·       Paul invested in different people for different seasons of life.  Similarly, there will be different seasons when we invest, on God’s behalf, in others.  It’s also likely that we will not always invest in the same way or in the same physical location.
·       If you have children living at home – they are your primary ministry.  Not to say that you can’t or shouldn’t be investing in others, but your children must take priority over all others for this season.
·       The servants in both The parable of the talents and The parable of the minas were responsible for and received rewards based upon how much ROI they had from the master’s initial investment in them.  They were not judged in comparison with each other.  As such, we should not beat ourselves up if we are not “Paul the Apostle” or “Billy Graham”.  Instead, we should focus on being faithful with whatever skills, abilities, finances, and time God has given to us.

Truthfully, this topic can be summed up in just two questions:

Who are you proof for?
and
Who will be your proof that you did not waste God’s investment in you?

Keep Pressing,
Ken

The Christian life, in 3 steps. Seriously. (part 3)

The author of Hebrews gave his readers a three step description of what Christian living looks like.  Each step begins with the phrase “let us”.  After drawing near to God and then holding on to our reliance on Him, the next step is this:

Hebrews 10:24-25
And let us watch out for one another to provoke love and good works, not neglecting to gather together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging each other, and all the more as you see the day approaching.

We can’t do this alone.  We need to be watching out for one another.

How many times have you heard (…or said) the following:

I don’t need to go to church.  I can be with God just fine by myself out in nature.
I don’t need to go to church.  Everyone there is a judgmental hypocrite.
I don’t need to go to church.  I don’t really get much out of it.

The problem with this line of thinking is that it is very, very self-centered.

What if we viewed our weekly gatherings as an opportunity to help others in God’s family?  Try this line of thinking instead:

I need to go to church because a little boy needs to know that God loves him.
I need to go to church because a teenage girl needs to know that God accepts her, just as she is.
I need to go to church because a struggling mom needs a smile and someone to talk to.
I need to go to church because a man doubting his marriage needs reassured in order to keep at it.

I need to go to church because we will all encourage each other while we wait for Jesus to return.

We must watch out for and encourage each other.  The perspective we develop when we give Godly encouragement is just as important as the perspective we develop when we receive Godly encouragement.

The rest of the Scriptures certainly bear this out, too:

Acts 20:35
…remember the words of the Lord Jesus, because He said, ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.’

Proverbs 11:25
A generous person will be enriched, and the one who gives a drink of water will receive water.

Mark 10:45
For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.

If we’re going to live the Christian life…If we’re going to live the Christ-like life…then we need to take the focus off of ourselves.  Encouraging each other is a great way to put our focus on others.

Hebrews 10:24-25
And let us watch out for one another to provoke love and good works, not neglecting to gather together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging each other, and all the more as you see the day approaching.

Keep Pressing,
Ken

A note of encouragement

Remember your first “big assignment”?

You have learned, observed, asked questions, learned some more…and then, it was time.  Your boss gave you a task and then went on vacation.  The director stepped aside, and you were the only person on stage.  Your teacher put you in charge of the class – and then left.  How ever your situation came about, suddenly you found yourself working without a net.

If that sounds familiar, then you can empathize with Timothy. 

Timothy spent years working side by side with Paul.  He’s seen the good and the bad, the easy days and the hard days.  Together they have lived life, worshiped God, shared the gospel, and strengthened the faith of believers.  Timothy had started the church in Ephesus with Paul, and they ministered there for two years.  Now, years later, they have come back to Ephesus…however, this time Paul is moving on and Timothy is staying behind.

Ephesus was the third largest city in the Roman empire, with over 250,000 people living there.  It was also the regional capital, a bustling commercial center, and an important seaport.  Ephesus was a true melting pot of Middle East culture, and the people who became Christians had a wide-ranging background of religious experiences.  As many as 50 different gods and goddesses were worshiped there.  Other religious communities included Jewish religious practices and those who practiced magic, shamanism, and the occult arts.  The city was cosmopolitan on many levels, and the group of people who believed in Jesus for eternal life no doubt had a fair bit of baggage, a number of questions, and a need for guidance as to how this whole “life in Christ” thing is supposed to work out.

This is Timothy’s mission field.

It would be one thing to lead people with your mentor in an environment like that…it would be a whole ‘nother challenge if he left you in charge – but that’s what Paul did.

Imagine how Timothy felt, after he had been doing his best and some time had passed, when one day he received a letter:

1 Timothy 1:1-2
Paul, an apostle of Christ Jesus according to the command of God our Savior and of Christ Jesus, our hope:

To Timothy, my true child in the faith.

Grace, mercy, and peace from God the Father and Christ Jesus our Lord.

Paul had written Timothy a letter of encouragement and instruction.  Right from the beginning, you can see Paul’s affection for Timothy – my true child in the faith.  These words would have breathed new life into the young man.  However, Paul’s words for Timothy weren’t sunshine and fluff.  In fact, Paul recognizes much of what he talks about as being hard…and that’s exactly why he writes to encourage Timothy to keep up the good work.  About halfway through his letter, Paul says

1 Timothy 3:14-15
I write these things to you, hoping to come to you soon.  But if I should be delayed, I have written so that you will know how people ought to act in God’s household

Paul doesn’t write Timothy to tell him how to share the gospel; Timothy knows how to do that.  Instead, Paul gives Timothy advice and encouragement for how to know what God expects of His family in the midst of mixed-up culture.  Even from a distance, Paul continues to support and exhort his young protégé. 

That is a great observation for us to take ahold of – mentoring doesn’t always happen side-by-side.  A note of encouragement can go a long way toward strengthening a person and keeping them focused on their Godly mission.  And that’s just the beginning.  We’re also going to take a look at what Paul had to say and how it was helpful to Timothy.  We have much to learn from their example.

Keep Pressing,
Ken

Family perspective

It’s easy to get wrapped up in our own little corner of Christianity.  We sometimes forget that “the church” consists of the entire body of believers, and not just the building we go to on Sundays.  We can even get so wrapped up in what we see God doing in our immediate Christian community that the idea of God working anywhere else seems like a weird, foreign concept. 

However, the gospel grows the church body wherever it goes.  Whoever hears and believes the gospel message of Jesus’ death, burial, and resurrection and trusts Him for forgiveness of sins and eternal life is someone who joins the church body.  Getting reminders of how the good news is received in distant places helps us keep God’s perspective and His larger mission in mind.  Knowing how God is transforming lives in other locations also helps guard us from thinking that God only works through “my church” or “my pastor”.

As Paul opened his letter to the believers in Colossae, he remind them that they are part of a much larger church community:

Colossians 1:5-8
You have already heard about this hope in the message of truth, the gospel that has come to you.  It is bearing fruit and growing all over the world, just as it has among you since the day you heard it and recognized God’s grace in the truth.  You learned this from Epaphras, our much loved fellow slave.  He is a faithful minister of the Messiah on your behalf, and he has told us about your love in the Spirit.

The Colossian believers were part of the larger church body because they heard the gospel and recognized God’s grace in the truth.  They were brought the message by Epaphras, who was faithfully using his gifts and talents to proclaim the gospel.

Since Epaphras was now working side by side with Paul, he had the opportunity to share the gospel with other people in new locations.  Since their work for Christ had them working in multiple communities, both Paul and Epaphras could see the larger family picture.  They wanted the Colossians to see themselves as part of a whole, and not just an isolated patch of believers.

Do we remember that we’re part of a much larger community?  If you haven’t looked outside your church’s bulletin in a while, take a look at the work that organizations like Voice of the Martyrs or Compassion International are doing.  Go for a larger picture our believing family, and ask God to help you see His family like He does.

Keep Pressing,
Ken