Dealing with gossips and trash-talkers

A couple of years ago, I engaged in what I would call “short-term mentoring” with a young man who was fresh out of college and just starting out in his career field.  We’d meet for coffee or food a couple of times, primarily so we could work through what he was experiencing as a Christian making the shift from the education world to the business world.  For some topics, he knew the right next steps – but just needed to talk through them out loud or bounce his ideas off of someone else.  For other topics, when he felt stumped, I would share my advice and experience.

One particular struggle was with a coworker who routinely bad-mouthed their other co-workers.  Can you believe so-and-so did that?  Watch out for them, they’ll serve you up to the boss in a heartbeat.  And that guy over there – laziest jerk in the company.  In my experience, there is always at least one person like this in any corporate setting, and sometimes this kind of behavior is throughout entire departments. 

But my friend felt stuck.  He was the new guy and because of their roles in the company, he worked with this individual all the time.  There was no “escaping” or “avoiding” the frequent negative attitude and gossip.  He didn’t want to talk trash on his other co-workers (that he just met and barely knew)…but he didn’t feel like he could look at this person and bluntly say “Thou shalt not gossip.”  He didn’t want to sour the relationship with someone he was required to work with, but he also didn’t want the other co-workers to think that he was gossiping and talking trash about them.

While the Bible does talk about the dangers and difficulties of gossip, most of the time it simply acknowledges that it exists and warns of the trouble it causes.  You won’t find direction on how to stop others from doing it.  It seems that God is much more concerned with what you do with gossip instead of deputizing you to become the gossip police.

Solomon addressed gossipy situations many times in his collection of Proverbs, for example:

Proverbs 11:12
Whoever shows contempt for his neighbor lacks sense,
but a person with understanding keeps silent.

Proverbs 20:19
The one who reveals secrets is a constant gossip;
avoid someone with a big mouth.

Proverbs 26:20
Without wood, fire goes out;
without a gossip, conflict dies down.

These proverbs give us three good options when we’re faced with someone who wants to spread rumors or talk trash: keep quiet, avoid the person, or don’t participate.

When I was talking through my friend’s situation at work, we agreed that the first two were not really options for him…since the person was someone he had to regularly work with.  So my advice focused on the last proverb’s point – that when his co-worker came to him with rumors or would bad-mouth their other co-workers, he did not have to accept the invitation to participate.  A couple of examples:

Hey, did you hear about so-and-so?  They got in trouble with the boss today…
I heard something happened, but I wasn’t involved.  If I need to be, I’m sure they’ll let me know.

Watch out, that lady will always stab you in the back.
I’ll keep that in mind, but that hasn’t been my experience with her.  Maybe she was having a bad day.

That guy is the laziest jerk in the department.  He never gets his reports done on time and his work is always sloppy.
Are you sure?  The last time I worked with him on a project, it went fine.

The main thing about these responses is that they do not pile on to what the gossiper was saying.  Maybe there is some truth to what they are complaining about, but “always” and “never” are rarely accurate labels.  It does no good to add fuel to the fire, and when we choose to not participate, conflict dies down.

The last point I made to my friend was that if he was able to consistently avoid gossip participation – if he politely refuted “always/never” or changed the subject to a relevant work matter – then eventually the person will stop bringing the gossip to him.  He’s no fun if he won’t gossip, too.  His consistency will be noticed by his other co-workers, as well.

Keep Pressing,
Ken

Keep your mouth shut

One of my first jobs was in an environmental testing lab, and, for a time, there were three of us working together in the small sample preparation room.  Due to the equipment all around the room, there was always a steady background noise.  Although we got used to hearing the ambient noise, it did tend to make conversations across the room a little difficult.

One day, I was working on one side of the room while my two co-workers were on the other side.  They were having a causal conversation about something, but I could only hear bits and pieces of what they were saying.  From what I could gather, they were talking about a certain painter, but it was someone who typically did not come up in day-to-day conversation. 

Wanting to somehow insert myself into the conversation so I could also participate, I called across the room, “Hey, didn’t they make a movie about him recently?”.  They both turned to look at me with blank, yet irritated expressions.  After a few moments’ pause (which felt like forever), one of them said to me, “That’s literally what was said like five minutes ago.”  I felt foolish for forcing my way in to their conversation, and I had added nothing to it.  They turned their backs toward me and continued their discussion.  I knew in that moment, I should have just kept my mouth shut.

Figuring out when to speak and when to stay silent is a good lesson to learn when you’re young and starting out in your career.  However, the same desire to insert yourself into conversations or moments can sneak back in, even in things we are confident with.  For example, I like to teach.  It’s one of the reasons why I write this blog.  But as much as I like to teach through writing, there is something special when I get to teach others in a live setting.  I really enjoy watching as the light bulb of peoples’ minds turn on.  Sometimes it’s an instant “AHA!”; other times it’s like a dimmer switch gradually increasing, until they finally grasp what has been communicated to them.

Watching as God brings His light to others and getting to participate in the process is one of my favorite things.  It’s how God has gifted me, and it’s so good to work in the areas that He has gifted us.  But when it’s someone else doing the teaching?  It’s really hard not to jump into the conversation so that I (as a fellow teacher, of course) can “help”. 

Does this sound familiar?  If so, then perhaps we can take tip from Jesus’ disciples:

Before Jesus met the Samaritan woman at the well, He had sent His disciples into town to buy food.  They were not there when Jesus initiated the conversation with the woman.  They didn’t know that Jesus spoke about her failed marriages and sinful living arrangements.  They had not heard her question about worship or when Jesus’ offered her eternal life.  In fact, the text indicates that the disciples arrived right after Jesus revealed Himself as the Messiah.

John 4:27
Just then His disciples arrived, and they were amazed that He was talking with a woman.  Yet no one said, “What do you want?” or “Why are you talking with her?”

Although it was taboo – and borderline scandalous – in the customs of Jewish society for Jesus to talk to any woman, let alone a Samaritan woman, the disciples did not openly question Jesus or the woman.  They knew and respected Jesus enough to not question either person.  Even Peter, who stuck his foot in his mouth on several occasions, was silent…

There wasn’t anything the disciples could have added to the conversation.  The teacher had already taught enough for the student to process.  Any additional points or ignorant questions about the situation could have completely derailed the Samaritan woman’s thought process.  Thankfully, all 12 of the disciples observed the situation and came the same conclusion:

They realized it was best, in this moment, to keep their mouths shut.

When walking into someone else’s conversation, especially a spiritual conversation, it’s often best to stay silent.  Even if we want to add something.  Even if we think we can “help”.  Crashing the conversation with our own questions/accusations/comments will have a bigger chance of derailing what God is doing instead of enhancing it.

Perhaps they (and God) don’t need our input at this particular time.  Maybe they will invite us into the conversation or ask us a question.  If that happens, then by all means, jump in and help as best as you know how. 

So let’s trust God not only with our words, but also with our silence.

Keep Pressing,
Ken

Women and church leadership (part 1)

When dealing with difficult passages, we need to remember three rules:
1.   Context is key.
2.   We interpret a passage we are unsure of in light of passages we are certain of.
3.   We let the author speak for himself

Much of Paul’s letter to Timothy talks about rebutting and correcting false teachers that were influencing the church in Ephesus.  He addresses topics and groups within the church that were being swayed by these teachers, including marriage, food, wealth, men, women, and church leadership.  In this next passage, Paul takes a moment to address the question of women in church leadership.

1 Timothy 2:9-12
Also, the women are to dress themselves in modest clothing, with decency and good sense; not with elaborate hairstyles, gold, pearls, or expensive apparel, but with good works, as is proper for women who affirm that they worship God.

A woman should learn in silence with full submission.  I do not allow a woman to teach or to have authority over a man; instead, she is to be silent.

It’s statements like these, especially when taken out of context, that cause a lot of strife within the modern church.  However, before we dismiss Paul’s instructions as being old-fashioned or oppressive, let’s consider some context.

Paul’s direction here is for women who affirm that they worship God, and as such, this passage falls under the theme of the previous context.  Paul began this section with instructions for all believers.  He stressed the importance of living a quiet and tranquil life, one displaying godliness and dignity in such a way that our lives become a “walking witness” for the God we have a direct relationship with. 

Paul moves from how women who worship God present themselves publicly and then immediately moves to how she can be learning.  That may seem like an unusual transition, given the culture of the time.  There were not a lot of education options for women in the ancient world, as all of the formal teachings and instructions went to men.  When he says that a woman should learn, we can observe that Paul is counter-culturally giving the women of the church an equal opportunity with the men of the church to be learners of God’s Word.

Now let’s look at the ‘how’ a woman should learn.  The Greek word for silence doesn’t mean “not talking”; instead, it refers to someone with a stable quietness who doesn’t meddle in the affairs of others or act in an unruly manner.  Additionally, the Greek word translated as submission means to “rank under”.  Just like in military settings, rank has to do with order and authority, not personal superiority or inferiority.  In fact, the teaching style of the day held an expectation that a pupil would do all their learning with both of these two characteristics – silence and submission.  As such, Paul isn’t suppressing women here – instead, he is holding them to the same expectations as the male learners.

Understanding Paul’s word choice also helps us interpret why he says I do not allow a woman to teach or have authority over a man.  The verbs teach and have authority are both in the present tense, which implies a continuing ministry rather than a single instance of ministry.  Additionally, the word for have authority over is unique in comparison to the typical Greek word chosen to describe someone in a higher ranking position.  Instead, Paul is describing a woman who acts without accountability, who domineers as an absolute master within the church family.  By recognizing that the context immediately after this passage gives specific qualifications for church overseers and deacons, we begin to see that Paul’s prohibition here specifically addresses only the official teaching and ruling ministry of the church.

While the current cultural and educational settings would have been familiar to the Ephesian church, Paul doesn’t appeal to those cultural norms to justify his instruction.  Instead, he looks back to God’s initial creation: 

1 Timothy 2:13
For Adam was created first, then Eve. 

We’ll get deeper into Paul’s reasoning for referencing back to God’s initial design for the family in the next post.  And in the text that follows, we’ll observe that Paul gives specific criteria for the men who want to be in the overseer or deacon roles.  We’ll see that God’s standard for those roles is quite lofty, and that they carry the risk of significant punishment for those who mishandle the position.

For now, though, because we took the time to examine the text, can see that Paul’s direction isn’t some off-the-cuff, all-women-are-slaves-to-all-men kind of idea.  Paul is addressing a specific leadership situation within the church family.  His directions are not a prohibition on women leading in business, government, or even other sub-groups within the church family. 

Instead, we’ve discovered how this passage fits into the theme of this section in Paul’s letter to Timothy.  Proper dress, a right attitude, and orderly church-family leadership are all ways that Paul directs women to flesh out their part of all believers’ responsibility to lead a tranquil and quiet life, with both godliness and dignity.

Keep Pressing,
Ken