Dealing with gossips and trash-talkers

A couple of years ago, I engaged in what I would call “short-term mentoring” with a young man who was fresh out of college and just starting out in his career field.  We’d meet for coffee or food a couple of times, primarily so we could work through what he was experiencing as a Christian making the shift from the education world to the business world.  For some topics, he knew the right next steps – but just needed to talk through them out loud or bounce his ideas off of someone else.  For other topics, when he felt stumped, I would share my advice and experience.

One particular struggle was with a coworker who routinely bad-mouthed their other co-workers.  Can you believe so-and-so did that?  Watch out for them, they’ll serve you up to the boss in a heartbeat.  And that guy over there – laziest jerk in the company.  In my experience, there is always at least one person like this in any corporate setting, and sometimes this kind of behavior is throughout entire departments. 

But my friend felt stuck.  He was the new guy and because of their roles in the company, he worked with this individual all the time.  There was no “escaping” or “avoiding” the frequent negative attitude and gossip.  He didn’t want to talk trash on his other co-workers (that he just met and barely knew)…but he didn’t feel like he could look at this person and bluntly say “Thou shalt not gossip.”  He didn’t want to sour the relationship with someone he was required to work with, but he also didn’t want the other co-workers to think that he was gossiping and talking trash about them.

While the Bible does talk about the dangers and difficulties of gossip, most of the time it simply acknowledges that it exists and warns of the trouble it causes.  You won’t find direction on how to stop others from doing it.  It seems that God is much more concerned with what you do with gossip instead of deputizing you to become the gossip police.

Solomon addressed gossipy situations many times in his collection of Proverbs, for example:

Proverbs 11:12
Whoever shows contempt for his neighbor lacks sense,
but a person with understanding keeps silent.

Proverbs 20:19
The one who reveals secrets is a constant gossip;
avoid someone with a big mouth.

Proverbs 26:20
Without wood, fire goes out;
without a gossip, conflict dies down.

These proverbs give us three good options when we’re faced with someone who wants to spread rumors or talk trash: keep quiet, avoid the person, or don’t participate.

When I was talking through my friend’s situation at work, we agreed that the first two were not really options for him…since the person was someone he had to regularly work with.  So my advice focused on the last proverb’s point – that when his co-worker came to him with rumors or would bad-mouth their other co-workers, he did not have to accept the invitation to participate.  A couple of examples:

Hey, did you hear about so-and-so?  They got in trouble with the boss today…
I heard something happened, but I wasn’t involved.  If I need to be, I’m sure they’ll let me know.

Watch out, that lady will always stab you in the back.
I’ll keep that in mind, but that hasn’t been my experience with her.  Maybe she was having a bad day.

That guy is the laziest jerk in the department.  He never gets his reports done on time and his work is always sloppy.
Are you sure?  The last time I worked with him on a project, it went fine.

The main thing about these responses is that they do not pile on to what the gossiper was saying.  Maybe there is some truth to what they are complaining about, but “always” and “never” are rarely accurate labels.  It does no good to add fuel to the fire, and when we choose to not participate, conflict dies down.

The last point I made to my friend was that if he was able to consistently avoid gossip participation – if he politely refuted “always/never” or changed the subject to a relevant work matter – then eventually the person will stop bringing the gossip to him.  He’s no fun if he won’t gossip, too.  His consistency will be noticed by his other co-workers, as well.

Keep Pressing,
Ken

Two paths, but only one leads to happiness

Last time, we looked at the beginning of Psalm 1, and we found strong advice on where not to go for our happiness:

 Psalm 1:1
How happy is the one who does not
walk in the advice of the wicked or
stand in the pathway with sinners or
sit in the company of mockers!

The second verse tells us where to go to find our happiness:

Psalm 1:2
Instead, his delight is in the Lord’s instruction,
and he meditates on it day and night.

Hebrew psalms and proverbs were commonly written in parallel form, comparing and contrasting two aspects of life – in this case, the psalmist is contrasting a life lived with God’s input and a life lived without it.

We have to be careful here.  There is a trap that snares a lot of modern Christians when they read the Bible, and especially when they read Old Testament passages – although easy to do, there is no evidence here that we should read this text as a contrast of “saved” vs “unsaved”. 

Instead, remember the context of the psalm – the text was written as a poem/song for Israel, very likely before the Babylonian exile.  That puts the date as roughly 1000 BC.  At that time in history, the nation of Israel was in good world-political standing, they were prosperous, and they were not under the rule of any other nation.  The Mosaic Law was in full force (referred to in the psalm as the Lord’s instruction, and animal sacrifices were part of daily living).  As such, this psalm is about a way of life, not how to change one’s eternal destiny.

Therefore, based on the context, the topic of Psalm 1 is not “those who have everlasting life vs those who do not have everlasting life”…instead, it is “those who are blessed/happy vs those who are not blessed/happy”.

With this psalm, the Israelites are given a choice.  Being presented with two paths is not a new concept for them, either.  Compare Psalm 1:1-2 with what Moses told the Israelites before they entered the Promised Land:

Deuteronomy 11:26-28
Look, today I set before you a blessing and a curse: there will be a blessing, if you obey the commands of the Lord your God I am giving you today, and a curse, if you do not obey the commands of the Lord your God and you turn aside from the path I command you today by following other gods you have not known.

It’s not always easy to see where certain paths lead.  Like Proverbs 14:12 says “there is a way that seems right to a person…”.  Some bad paths may not look bad, at least at first.  This is why God gives us so many warnings in Scripture, and putting this poem/song at the beginning of the book of Psalms is a great way to start the entire book.  Starting with this kind of warning is a “first things first” approach to teaching the nation of Israel about their relationship with God.  Beginning with the End in mind will help them discern the choices and paths before them.

Looking at Psalm 1:1-2, we see that happiness comes from avoiding the habits of the wicked and replacing that constant input with the Lord’s continuous instruction.

The two paths presented look like this:

walking in advice of the wicked
standing in the pathway with sinners
sitting in the company of mockers
vs
delighting in the LORD’s instruction and meditating on it day and night

But verse 2 is counter-intuitive, isn’t it?  It’s not often that we connect delight and the Lord’s instruction.  Those aren’t concepts that we usually put together.

But think back to whatever timeframe you consider the “best times” in your life so far…were you following the advice of the wicked, or choosing a life characterized by sin, or actively participating with those who mock God’s ways?  My suspicion is that your “best times” were not characterized by these kinds of activities.  I would even go a step further and suggest that your “best times” were when you were following God’s advice and path for your life.

I can personally attest to this.  Both of the following statements are true for me and my family:
·       The happiest times in my life have been when I am intentionally studying and enjoying God’s Word.  The constant input of God’s influence kept me from wandering to other, more dangerous paths.
·       The happiest times in my marriage have been when both my wife and I are intentionally studying and enjoying God’s Word…and doing so with other godly people of all ages, as a mentor, peers, or younger believers.

Just like the Israelites, we have a choice of two paths: God’s design in His Word or the advice of those who reject God’s way.  One path leads to happiness and life of blessing, the other to unhappiness – while living under God’s curse and displeasure.

Keep Pressing,
Ken

Show me the way

Other than physical healing, the most common prayer request we bring before God is a request for guidance.  We ask God to “reveal His path” or “guide our steps” or “show us how to handle a person/situation”.  And rightfully so – God knows everything better than we do, so He’s the best one to give advice and direction whenever we get stuck.

But has it ever crossed your mind that sometimes God chooses to not answer our requests for guidance?

David had plenty of instances in his life where he needed God’s guidance.  From the shepherding of his youth, to evading Saul’s desire to kill him, to leading Israel as King…David constantly relied on God to get him through it all.

Fortunately for us, David wrote down many of his conversations with God in prayerful songs.  Throughout the psalms he wrote, David returns to the idea that he needs the Lord’s guidance.  However, David’s request also recognizes our two-way relationship with God.  So, we need to watch for David’s part in the relationship as we read:

Psalm 25:4-5, 8-10, 12-14
Make Your ways known to me, Lord; teach me Your paths.
Guide me in Your truth and teach me, for You are the God of my salvation;
I wait for You all day long.

The Lord is good and upright; therefore He shows sinners the way.
He leads the humble in what is right and teaches them His way.
All the Lord’s ways show faithful love and truth
to those who keep His covenant and decrees. 

Who is the person who fears the Lord?
He will show him the way he should choose.
He will live a good life, and his descendants will inherit the land.
The secret counsel of the Lord is for those who fear Him,
and He reveals His covenant to them.

David can’t flippantly live life and then expect that God will be his magic 8-ball or cosmic vending machine whenever he gets stuck.  If David trusts God enough to ask about the unknown, then David should at least be following the known instructions God has already given him.

David notes four responsibilities we have before we can ask God to show us His way:

patiently wait
be humble
keep His covenant and decrees
respectfully fear the Lord

Asking God for guidance means that we recognize His superior understanding of life; therefore, we should first regard what God has already revealed before we ask Him about things or situations that He hasn’t yet revealed.

Notice too, that David doesn’t say we have to be sinlessly perfect, either.  God is willing to show sinners the way, provided we humbly understand Whom it is we’re asking for guidance.

Keep Pressing,
Ken

A question of forgiveness

Ever wish that you just had someone to talk to?  You need advice, and you would love to run your ideas and concerns past another experienced, trustworthy person.  That’s exactly what a mentor is for, and we have a perfect example of this with Peter and Jesus.

The disciples had been arguing, yet again, about which one of them was going to be the greatest in Jesus’ coming kingdom.  They brought their argument to Jesus, who told them

Matthew 18:4-5
Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child – this one is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.  And who ever welcomes one child like this in My name welcomes Me.

Keep in mind that children were of little value in ancient society, so Jesus’ direction here would have been especially hard for 12 adults to accept.  However, Jesus doesn’t stop there.  He goes on to give them three more difficult lessons:

·        Drastic measures should be taken to avoid leading others into sin
·        A single, stray brother is worth searching out and there is great rejoicing when the one returns to the many
·        How to approach a brother who sins against you – first privately, then with a few others, and lastly, if necessary, involve church leadership

These lessons were counter-cultural for how the disciples had been raised and taught.  When giving their arguments about which one of them was going to have a bigger kingdom title, I doubt that these areas of their lives were part of their resume.

After hearing these teachings with the rest of the disciples, Peter had a question and wanted clarification.  He didn’t need to have any of the lessons repeated, instead Peter was wrestling with how to apply Jesus’ teaching when his brother repeatedly sins against him.

Matthew 18:21-22
Then Peter came to Him and said, “Lord, how many times could my brother sin against me and I forgive him?  As many as seven times?”

“I tell you, not as many as seven,” Jesus said to him, “but 70 times seven.”

While the phrase seventy time seven may feel familiar to us, keep in mind that the conventional rabbi teaching of Peter’s day recommended to extend forgiveness only three times.  So Peter likely felt he was also being counter-cultural and generous by offering to forgive twice as many times, plus one extra.  However, Jesus pushed Peter even further and instructed him to give his brother significant, not limited, forgiveness.  Jesus then told Peter another parable to illustrate His point.

This is one of the times in life where having a mentor is beneficial.  Peter thought he had progressed sufficiently in his thinking, so he brought his new understanding to Jesus for verification.  Although Peter was growing in the correct direction, he was directed to go even further – to forgive generously, and be great in Jesus’ kingdom.

Keep Pressing,
Ken